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‘frightening as domestic abuse is, the experience of publicly disclosing it has been compared to stepping off a cliff.’ As true as this is, it applies to all forms of abuse and bullying, not just domestic.
YES-YES-JUST YES. You can find this article at New Hampshire Bar Association online.
By: David Adams, M.Ed.
Reprinted with permission of The Boston Bar Journal, a publication of the Bar Association. David Adams is Co-founder and President of Emerge: A Men’s Counseling Service on Domestic Violence. He is a nationally known expert on counseling assaultive husbands.
Individual and institutional suppression of the truth frequently run parallel courses in history. Even when the truth is not actively suppressed, it is sometimes resisted because of the low status of its tellers. Such is the case with wife abuse. The ability of individual perpetrators to conceal or justify their violence has been facilitated by a criminal justice system that has historically ignored or blamed the battered woman (Taub & Schneider, 1982: New York Task Force on Women in the Courts, 1986). But the…
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The word “Trauma” is derived from the Greek term meaning “wound.” When targets encounter relationships with narcissists, what takes place is a human wound & trauma. When a person is wounded, there requires a time of healing; however scarring is often a result.
During times of psychic trauma, our belief that we are invulnerable to harm becomes shattered. Our defense mechanisms break down and we suddenly can’t function the way we used to. We begin to feel inadequate for not having the ability to process the trauma in a short time. Subsequent emotional arousal can reawaken the narc abuse experience that we feel the emotions all over again and realize that there’s an ongoing attack on those defense mechanisms; we’re attacked both within and without. The trauma of narcissistic abuse collapses our worldview and assumptions about life in one full blow.
Our assumptions about how we think life should operate…
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I’m very glad I found this and think this is very common phenomenon, where narcissist stays in marriage and uses ‘the other’ as his/her constant supply and enabler for further triangulation and ‘dirty’ work. There’s pretty much no way out of this sick ‘bond’ for the target. They completely rely on faculties of the abuser and loose their own abilities or awareness that they are able to think for themselves. Very sad.
The problem with a lot of abusive relationships is that the “abused” becomes unaware that he or she is in an abusive relationship. They become completely unaware of the power dynamic within the relationship and how it is being used to control them.
Without awareness of the power dynamic, one can not change the power equilibrium for the better.
Where abuse is physical or sexual, awareness is more likely.
Emotional abuse, however, can be extremely difficult to detect. This is usually for two reasons:
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This applies to massage and other bodywork therapists, too. After some time in the field it becomes clear who really wants to solve their problem and is willing to cooperate and participate in the process, taking responsibility for their part, and who only seeks another person/therapist to blame for the state they got themselves into and for not getting all their chronic problems sorted in one or two sessions. It is best to save the energy for the first who will benefit most and save it on the latter, who really didn’t want to improve all that much for whatever conscious or subconscious reason.
Years ago when I started my career as a psychotherapist, a seasoned colleague gave me perhaps the best piece of professional advice I had ever received. She told me, “if you don’t want to burn out in this field, never work harder on solving your client’s problems than they do”.
This wonderful morsel of advice saved me from the all to common burn out of a career that so many mental health professionals who don’t exercise good boundaries often experience.
And it can save you too.
By refusing to work harder than your partner on solving the problems in your relationship, you can weed out the manipulators, controllers and users and avoid being taken advantage of and carrying all the emotional weight in the relationship.
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Another life changed by Gonstead Chiropractic:
Another great video from Thomas Sheridan. How to deal with psychopaths / sociopaths / narcissists and their ‘guppies’ / ‘flying monkeys’ / ‘bullies’ at work: